In 1976, Jay Cochran, Jr., assistant director of the FBI’s scientific and technical services division, received a small clump of about 15 long hairs and a bit of skin from a man named Peter Byrne. Byrne asked the FBI to analyze the hairs as his team at the Bigfoot Information Center and Exhibition couldn’t. Obviously, Byrne was hoping to receive news that would confirm the hair to be Bigfoot’s. Four decades later, in 2019, the FBI declassified its file on Bigfoot, and the truth came out.

The hairs belonged to a deer. Yes, the FBI “has a file on Bigfoot,”…

When I used to daydream about being a writer, the appeal was telling stories. Whether that meant writing fiction or blogging or screenwriting didn’t matter much to me — I just wanted to write.

Then life went to shit. I graduated from college, drank too much, worked a job I hated, and desperately struggled to hang onto a relationship that wasn’t working — and when it inevitably ended, I blamed myself. I was a mess. I needed help.

Instead, I beat myself up, told myself my life wasn’t worth living and sank into a pit of depression until I came…

I don’t know a lot.

I don’t know why the universe was created or by whom, if anyone. I don’t know what my roommate’s cat thinks about me when I step out of the shower and run to my room, having forgotten a towel. I don’t know what a whip or a nae nae is. I don’t know a more relevant Gen Z trend to reference because if I did, then I’d know it. You know?

In fact, I don’t know much about life, the universe, and everything other than the answer is 42. …

When I was fourteen, I watched Scott Pilgrim vs. The World for the first time. It had everything I wanted: action, romance, comedy, a main character that was a dorky, awkward guy just like me. It’s my favorite movie, and it took me almost a decade to realize that Scott was an asshole.

I’m bringing this up because it was during a rewatch of Scott Pilgrim that I had a realization: I was an asshole.

I don’t mean that I was a bad person, or a mean person, or a malicious person, but simply that I was an asshole. I…

I was surprised when my client called my phone number directly. Normally, we had our meetings on Discord. Something was off. I answered the phone quickly, still out of breath from walking upstairs after a birthday brunch featuring several mimosas and Brisket Benedict.

“Hey,” I sputtered. “How’s it going?” After a long explanation about her complicated new situation, J told me we would have to put the book I’d been writing for her on hold for the time being. I understood — after all, we’d gotten to know each other well over the past few months, and some things are…

“Your outline is due next week.” The dreaded words echoed in my skull. An outline? I thought. How am I supposed to know what’s going to happen? When I was in film school, I specialized in screenwriting. To emulate (sort of, kind of, maybe) the Hollywood system, we were required to pitch our screenplay ideas at the beginning of the semester along with a logline, then develop an outline and treatment, and finally write the script.

I enjoyed writing the script. I hated outlining.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I had (and still have) ADHD — combined-type…

As of right now, the total amount of student debt is $1,731,307,569,796. 1.7 trillion dollars. Of course, that number goes up every day. Most of those loans are federal, but federal loans usually don’t cover the entirety of someone’s college education, which means many are forced to turn to private loan companies. Companies like Sallie Mae.

According to the company’s own earnings statement, they completed $3.16 billion in private education loan sales in the first quarter of 2021 alone, resulting in a gain of $399 million. That’s more than Avengers: Endgame made at the box office. In just one quarter…

Thank you for fulfilling my desperate need for attention, but I’m serious. This is not a self-help article. I’m not going to offer you any “hacks” to improve your mindset, unlock your potential, or boost your productivity because let's be real, you’ve heard it all already.

I have nothing new to offer you. No one does.

Yet somehow, we keep making multi-millionaires out of people who claim to have, finally, figure it all out. Nobody before has, of course, but they are them, and I am me — and I’ve got it all figured out. You want to figure it…